Truly wonderful stuff. A fantastic way to kick off the G2 continuity on the wiki.
There's some astounding descriptive language in this story along with some interesting quirks and mannerisms for our little-known Protector of Jungle character. Considering just how little is known about day-to-day life in the other villages, the following extract rings very true, both within the diegesis of the story and in describing the second generation's potential:
- "I feel as though I am on the threshold of something grand. I do not know what the future will bring, but I know today is the beginning."
- ―Protector of Jungle's thoughts.
Another feature I admired was the inclusion of spirit stars to mark the coming of the Toa. While the Protector's decision that this was evidence of the prophecy of heroes seemed to come to him a little anti-climatically, I feel it was worth it in order to make that spirit star reference.
I also loved the tribal quirks of the Okotan village community. The fact that so many of them were hunters and farmers, the mentioning of meteorites four summers ago, and even the implication of Kongu one day going on to inherit the mantle of Protector. Not only is it reminiscent of the original Mata Nui storyline, but it also shows some great insight into the second generation's setting.
Overall, an excellent short story by all measures. It's brimming with nostalgic value, has some fabulously stylized writing techniques, and is a story I am more than happy to have crowned the first G2 serial on CBW.
Keep in mind I am trying my absolute hardest to find fault with this story.
I can hear the drops of dew splatter against my roof. It sounds like the obsidian fields of the Region of Earth, alive with the sounds of a hundred chisels being hammered into the rock. I visited the fields once. The harsh landscape assaulted my senses with smells and sights the likes of which I have found nowhere else. I much prefer the lush greenery and fresh air of the jungle.
The morning sky is clear as the crystal pools found in the lowest levels of the jungle. The sun is just a sliver on the horizon, painting the heavens with an indescribable blend of reds and yellows. The sunbeams stream through the web of leaves and branches, casting strange and beautiful shadows over everything as far as the eye can see.
A single melodic note breaks the silence. A morning bird is awake and has dared to be the first to sing the song of its kind. As the bird begins the melody, another joins it. Then another. And another. Soon the jungle is alive with their symphony, the morning song that will rouse the villagers from their slumber as it has every day for as long as anyone can remember.
Opening is good. Dickens-like, but still good. Though I am not a huge fan of back-to-back expository paragraphs, I'm glad you didn't overdo it here and I'm left with a great image in my head. Props.
Skip ahead a bit: "The stars are going out..."
"Going out", I'd say is a bit too rough of a word to describe this scene. Personal opinion here.
And here we are. The only paragraph I actually found a problem with.
I take one last look up at the sky before I enter my humble home. The stars are going out, all but six bright ones have vanished into the ever-brightening sky. I frown for a moment, strangely unfamiliar with these stars. It is not uncommon for the light of a new star to appear in our skies. There have even been a few instances of two stars igniting in unison. But never before have six appeared in one night.
The word "sky" is red'd and the word "star" is orange'd to show you how many repeats you used them in three lines. I'd change out a few for some simple synonyms, and then it's good to go.
The stars "going out" sounds a tad rough. I'd choose another word here.
"As I watch, the stars begin to move." You're missing a comma here.
"As I swing from my secluded tree to the rest of the village on one of the many vines that hang from the treetop canopy, I feel invigorated." Also missing a comma, before "I feel invigorated."
That is literally all I could find. Great work here and an enjoyable read.
Talk | Stories | Bionicle: CCG
My critique. You asked for it yesterday, and here it is. Click any yellow highlighted field to read the associated comment. Hope you find it helpful! ToaAuserv? 00:56, March 27, 2015 (UTC)