User blog comment:Vorred/Elegy - Feedback Blog/@comment-958607-20150123235223

Right, time for some feedback.

Chapter 11 is where I left off. Undeniably the climax of Elegy, maybe even your storyline so far. There's so much going on in this chapter. Characters get cut down like blades of grass only for the ultimate plot twist to come along and rock our worlds, taking the series' core character away from underneath our feet with the swiftness of a magician pulling a tablecloth.

First I will comment on the cliffhanger itself. Throughout the opening panels, where the robot goes berserk and kills everyone, there's a certain comedy behind its random exclamation of "GwWAHRH!" Nonetheless, the tension was real the whole time. I knew beforehand that someone was going to die and I'd initially expected and come to terms with the fact that Range would be the one. I was on the edge of my seat for the whole chapter. It's been a very long time since I've read a piece of BIONICLE fanfiction (comic or otherwise) that has made me do that. So, on that note, congratulations to you, good sir.

In way of the most meaningful image, I'm going to award this with the honor of being my overall favorite of the chapter. This and the panel that came before it. The idea of Nuva dropping his croak (and thus all sense of illusory pretense that he is some 'Lord of Evil') is a strikingly potent one, really telling the reader that this is a more battle-hardened, direct version of Nuva. A version who is ready to drop the act and do what needs to be done in the name of justice, which really harkens back to that chapter in Patriots where Nuva was once again presented as the righteous protagonist. If any individual chapter of Elegy can be pinpointed as the moment in which peripeteia occurs, it's this one.

But you don't stop there. You take it even further and have Nuva go on to right Theran's tragic flaws, first by defeating the rampaging robot, then by avenging Glonor's death. His brutally ruthless nature is Theran's hubris, which was most prominently shown when he killed that innocent Matoran I forget the name of. I feel that it's a great touch to see that action come back to haunt him. The fact that Theran actually laid the foundation for his own downfall makes his plight all the more meaningful. Plus there's the fact he was technically killed with a squid shooter and the fact that he had the most over-dramatic death ever Is nobody going to mention that? which makes it even more of a blow.

Then there's Aescela's speech to consider. Some truly motivating stuff going on here that really throws the audience back into balance. She comes to Theran's defense to argue his case, suggesting instead that he was the true hero who was unfazed by the tough calls in the name of the greater good. No matter how much Nuva justifies his actions, Aescela is there to give us the truth and guide us through your misdirection to see his actions as vindictive rather than heroic.

One thing I would’ve liked to see was the survivors get divided over this. Maybe a few of them were moved more by Nuva’s words and admitted that Theran was a bit of a jerk. Maybe some of the Matoran just wanted to keep living life in their castle rather than follow some Po-Matoran preaching about her dead Toa of Fire friend. Either way, I don’t think the entire village would’ve abandoned Rhagard so easily, and it couldn’t have hurt to maybe show Gresikk siding with Nuva.

Overall, another great chapter. Really one of the highlights of your comic series. I’m secretly kind of annoyed that my Lanudos intentionally activating the robot and Range dying theories were disproven but that’s no reason to not give credit for this fabulous addition to your story.

Next up, Chapter 12. Another winner. In spite of the fact nothing much happens there are, again some very nice ideas being batted around, some great dialogue, and some fabulous images. The opening shots of Range with in that pose is one suggestive of ultimate defeat. I find it comforting to see he will be carrying the story till the end, as well as the emotional baggage for not getting back in time to save Theran. I love how Range decisively decides to get those questions answered, confronting Lanudos head on and demanding he answer their questions.

I’m very fond of Lanudos’ anecdote. I knew he was a Makuta from both our discussions outside of CBW and from that time you spilled it on the Elegy MOCs blog. I think we also talked about Glonor being the mystery white creation. Berwak being a Toa Hagah came as a surprise to me. Probably because people expect Toa Hagah to have the Metru build like Norik and Iruini. This also makes me suspect that Lanudos is inhabiting the body of another Toa in Berwak’s Toa team, which would explain why they both have Kanohi masks coming from the Toa Mata series. Seems within reason considering how Lanudos has a fondness from these ‘Toa from far-off lands’. Maybe he fitted his Toa Hagah with a full set of Mata masks too.

Additionally, this leaves me anxious to see Lanudos’ original Makuta form. You showed me a WIP of it and now I’m really trying to picture it locked away in this cage Berwak described. Sounds like a really interesting premise to have the Makuta of the island dependent upon the Toa for a change.

There’s also this little gem:

"I’m super thrilled to see them again."

- Merall, Elegy, Chapter 12: Revelation.

In way of criticism, this shot of Merall was perhaps not the greatest. Partly because it’s from an odd angle, partly because I feel Merall is too strong to really need Nerean to be comforting her like that. Just seems a tad too obvious you want them to be shipped together.

And, finally, onto Elegy, Chapter 13: Acquisition.

Firstly, I will get my pressing criticism out of the way. While I have no problem with female/female romance itself, I’m afraid I still don’t see the appeal behind Merall and Nerean. Their dialogue seems pretty forced to me. I physically cringed when Merall laughed and I just generally don’t see where it can be going. Considering there are three chapters remaining, it worries me that these two characters are being drafted together. I feel that they don’t have the romantic spark of forbidden love, nor do I really feel that they’re all that compatible. Again, I believe that opposites do not attract. I believe a relationship demands that people be of a co-dependent, like-minded nature in order for them to stand each other. There’s no real basis for a connection here as far as I can see, which is probably why this opening scene seems so awkward.

It’s almost a saving grace when the Skakdi sticks his jester’s staff in Merall’s face and rick rolls his head. The Skakdi themselves really steal the opening for me, especially when the Skakdi from Patriots appears, with his bandolier and Cordak Blaster in hand. The “your comrade looked better in green armor” line was delivered fantastically. Not only does he know an incriminating secret about Nerean not actually being Tiliria, but he manages to make his threat in a self-flattering way. It’s great to see the diversity of the warriors Kyhae’s battlehorn summoned.

And then there’s the line about Theran “decorating the floors of the great city.” Such a rough description. Really set these characters up as hard-boiled warriors. The scum can indeed fight. Fight and steal the show.

I assume, therefore, that nobody really minds how Range practically steals a boat in this chapter. When he flipped the structure upside-down I guessed that there was something underneath it. A sword or something. It’ll be interesting to see how this battleram gets used in the final battle. I assume, after all, that is the reason it was given focus in this chapter.

Another feature that I enjoyed was the inclusion of another Kanohi. The possibility that Aescela could have been taken to the Bohrok camp and been saved there without risking confrontation was a particularly nice little idea. A what could have been scenario in which Aescela became the third Po-Matoran to wear a Komau that I can name. You are totally right in that the mask wouldn’t really have fitted her (assuming in changed to dark gray upon contact with her face). It throws a nice bit of extra relevance on her Ruru as a part of her character.

And, to conclude, I’ll comment on the ending. I’m very glad that orange Matoran made another appearance. I always liked him because of his groovy little shoulderpad. I do not, however, feel all that much threat from the Forgotten Warrior in the grass. As you mentioned before, you split this chapter in two and Nuva no longer has control over the infected. Plus he’s coming because Kyhae summoned him. So, nice try, but you’re not fooling me this time. :P