Talk:Deep Shadows

Official NRC Review
Okay, while I'm still in the midst of reading the massively long Dark Origins, I've decided to take a break from reading and write another NRC review, this time for Deep Shadows by. This short story is quite well written, and while I've read some of his longer works, such as Shadow Play, I've never read this, and was excited to get the chance to read it.

The plot is simple enough, though very interesting: Devastator, a Dark Hunter who originated from the land of Karzahni, is told by the Shadowed One that a scroll containing their plans for the war against the Brotherhood of Makuta is currently in the possession of a Matoran known as "Builder", who lives in that realm. Being a resident from Karzahni, Devastator is tasked by the Shadowed One to go to Karzahni and recover the scroll.

However, the ruler of the realm (who shares the same name of the landlocked island itself) has a plan of his own, and Devastator is caught up in his bid for power over the Matoran Universe. This plot is quite interesting, and Abc8920 executes it extremely well. I have no problems here.

Pacing is good. Could be a bit better, it seems the slightest bit rushed, especially toward the end, when Devastator escapes Karzahni by transmuting to sand and nothing more is said about how escaped except "Devastator escaped." (More on that later). I can't really find any errors in the characterization of Devastator, the portrayal of his character is quite good, though he could be slightly more developed. He seems to lack personality, and while the fact that his character doesn't develop doesn't really present any major problems, it's still a thing to work on.

However, Devastator seems just the slightest bit two dimensional, and in a story with only a few characters, it is pivotal that the protagonist is well-developed. Devastator certainly isn't badly portrayed, he's certainly a competent character and is far from mediocre, but he needs a bit of improvement before he can be called excellent.

But all of these are only minor flaws, the pacing and characterization are otherwise good.

The major flaws I can find with this story is that there's not enough description. This eats away at the support structure of the story and lessens the quality of the (otherwise good) plot and story overall.

That's not to say it needs to have long paragraphs of descriptive words, but the author needs to show more, and tell less. For example, when Karzahni is described: "His mask still looked like four Kanohi patched together, he still had his chain weapons, but worst of all, Karzahni still was as insane as always, if not more."

A better description might be: His mask still looked like a hideous amalgam of four Kanohi shabbily patched together. He still carried his chain weapons, but worst of all were his flame-red eyes, which gleamed with insanity and hatred as he stared in contempt at the Dark Hunter."

Rather then telling the reader that Karzahni is insane, show us, through his mannerisms, through description, and through similes ("flame-red eyes") or metaphors ("his eyes burned with the fires of insanity")

This is especially evident in the fight scenes, especially when Devastator is battling the Manas. For example, instead of "Devastator mentally threw two Manas at the Mana-Ko, but a disintegration blast from the beast ended them." try something like "Devastator mentally hurled two of the Manas Crabs at the Mana Ko. Before they even struck the advancing creature, the beast lashed out with its power, a cold yellow-green light slamming into the Crabs. For a moment, the Manas were suspended in midair, their features obscured by the flash of light. Then they were gone their bodies completely disintegrated." (Note that that is just an example).

Show what the Mana Ko's disintegration blast looks like. Then, allow Devastator a reaction. Does he feel fear? Or terror? Or anything? I don't know, because the story doesn't tell us. Rather then simply saying "He fell unconscious", describe how, exactly, it felt to Devastator.

I can find plenty of other examples in this story of this problem, but I won't repeat myself any further. But this lack of description damages the story far more then any other flaw I can find.

There are a few more minor concerns I could point out, but they don't really affect the overall rating of the story and I feel that I've done enough nitpicking. In short, Deep Shadows has an interesting plot, and is well executed overall. However, the minor flaws (such as a few characterization problems) and the one major flaw (less showing, and more telling) eat away at until it's far from perfect. Still, it's certainly competent and, overall, well done, and is definitely one of the better stories on here.

Overall Grade: B-