Talk:Serenity

LoganWoerner Story Review: Tripping Weed
This is my official review of Invader39's entry into the Spring Writing Contest 2014, Tripping Weed.

It seems like a lot of short stories consist of people being killed at the end. I find this an unappealing way to end the story, especially if the reader is not emotionally attached to any of the characters. The plot of Tripping Weed is simple: a Matoran has something that someone else wants, and he dies because of it. I actually was very confused at the beginning of this story; I thought that the main character was going to be Mata Nui for a few short moments! Here's what I mean:

"The twin suns shone through the high trees, beautiful, peaceful. One of Mata Nui's wonders. This was Mata Nui, and he was sitting in the trees. He took a sip of his iced water, which was in a stone cup, made by the Po-Matoran. It was a perfect day to just sit in the trees and not have a care in the world."

This opening paragraph does not execute what needs to be executed. In a story, the scene needs to be set; the reader needs to know where he is. In a story, the reader is the main character, and if you do not know who the main character is, then who is the reader? I was starting to think that Mata Nui was the one sitting in the trees! If it was not Mata Nui, then who is this ambiguous "he"? The author needs to clarify who this "he" is.

There are also a lot of run-on sentences. These are like two or more sentences that are jammed together without any connecting word. Here are a couple right next to each other:

"He started to run through the forest, weeds were grabbing at his ankles. The branches were whipping in his face, there were probably leaving marks all over his mask."

Here are two ways someone can write these sentences. I'll write the first sentence one way, and the second sentence the other way:

"He started to run through the forest, but/and weeds were grabbing at his ankles. The branches were whipping at his face; they were probably leaving marks all over his mask."

I also bolded the typo, just to show that there was one. There are a bunch of run-on sentences like this, which really distracts from the story. And speaking of the story, it was quite bland. It was a story about a nameless Matoran who was killed for a possession he owned. The ending also took place very suddenly, which, for the average reader, would be very easy to miss.

The story had it's redeeming qualities, though. There were some descriptive passages, which could have been better if it weren't for the run-on sentences.

Final Verdict: Tripping Weed is a pretty cliché story which mainly involves and revolves around death and killing. Run-on sentences, grammar issues and typos spoiled the otherwise quite descriptive language the author used throughout the story. The sudden ending would be very easy for the average reader to skip accidentally, and the beginning was quite confusing. A lot of work will have to be done if Invader39 has a chance to compete in the Spring Writing Contest.

Score: D

&mdash; Logan Woerner   (Blog)