Talk:Rain (Artek the crazy one)

LoganWoerner Story Review: Rain (Artek the crazy one)
This is my official review for Artek the crazy one's entry into the Spring Writing Contest 2014, Rain. Right off the bat, I notice that the title is exactly the same as the one used by Toa Roden and his story, which was written first. I like stories with original titles, so that sort of detracted from the reading experience.

The plot is simple, which is good for a short story, but this one was too simple. Toa Artek and some big guy fight. That's it. This fight sequence would work well as a piece of a larger story, but it doesn't work well as a standalone story. I want to see something more personal, something that makes me think. This story only makes me think "cliché".

There was a large vocabulary used, and there was a lot of colorful passages, but the descriptive pieces of text were littered with glaring grammar errors, particularly run-on sentences. Here's an example:

The tall being flexed his muscles as he approached his enemy, his armor poped as his bulging muscles peered.

This is not a proper sentence. Here is one right way to do it:

The tall being flexed his muscles as he approached his enemy; his armor popped as his bulging muscles peered.

Now, the only thing I did was change the comma to a semicolon and corrected the spelling mistake. There are several like this all throughout the story; I suggest that the author correct them.

The point of view also switches at least once during the story. At first, after the italicized portion of the story, it is from the sky's point of view, albeit subtly, but then it switches to the brute's point of view. Stay in only one point of view in a chaper, unless you section each transition off.

Final Verdict: The story's plot consisted only of two characters fighting, with the sky watching on. The colorful pieces of text that could've been great were buried in bunches of grammar errors and spelling mistakes. I suggest fixing those problems, as well as making sure to stay in one point of view.

Score: D+

&mdash; Logan Woerner   (Blog) 19:40, March 5, 2014 (UTC)