User blog comment:Toa Tasorin/Blog post 3: Stuff and more Stuff/@comment-33037869-20161009115653

Hey, I read the story, and there's the beginnings of something interesting here, but I think some improvements are definitely needed:

-The grammar and sentences are a little disjointed and break the flow of things quite often, making it difficult to get immersed in the story and actually pique someone's interest

-The Toa have very little in the way of divergent personalities. I think Tasorin is meant to be more childish, but Lithal often acts as such, and as a consequence there's not much different between the two, and hence, I'm not really invested in their character

There's the beginnings of a good story here, but this needs some work before it's ready, in my opinion. I'd be happy to help you out along the way.