Talk:Symbiose

LoganWoerner Story Review: Symbiose
This is my official review for ChaoSpaceMar's entry for the Spring Writing Contest 2014. Symbiose

This story probably has the most involved plot of all the short stories entered into the Spring Writing Contest. The story revolves around an aspiring female warrior named Kharlia, who wakes up after having a vision of a strange tree being chopped down by a mysterious sword-wielding warrior. Kharlia feels that this tree must be protected, but the problem is this: in Kharlia's culture, females were forbidden to become warriors or leaders. What results is a long-winded tale that lasts over twenty-five years. Here's the only problem with this plot: it is a short story.

A plot as in-depth as this deserves to be in a story much longer than this. Symbiose was not meant for the Spring Writing Contest. It's a great story, it's just written wrong. I actually wanted more. I wished that the plot took longer to progress, but because of the restrictions of the Spring Writing contest, this story fell flat. Plot-wise, there's nothing you can really do to change this story, except to make it longer. And when I mean longer, I don't mean extending the story past it's ending, I mean just lengthening each part. At this point, I wouldn't attempt this, but if ChaoSpaceMar had had a chance to rewrite this without the restrictions of the contest he entered, Symbiose should at least be a few chapters long, if not longer.

There are a few things that can be fixed, though. The first problem I noticed when reading this story was the formatting of the dialogue. Here's an example. I have highlighted errors in this piece of text as well.

''- I provoke you in duel, Hyerlum! For our people's leadership! Kharlia shouted.''

''The Warlord and his court erupted in laughters. This servant girl was really asking to battle the Great Hyerlum, vainquisher of the Ice Wraith? It was hilarious.''

When Hyerlum stopped laughing, he asked :

''- Did you really thought you could duel me? Females cannot become warriors.''

''- It was only you that said that. None of our ancestors made rules about it.''

''Hyerlum was stunned. this woman had knowledge ... but knowledge alone cannot make a true leader.''

''- So be it, woman. Prepare your sword. It is a duel to the death.''

- As always, said Kharlia.

Along with all of the spelling/grammar issues I wrote in bold, there are no quotation marks used in the dialogue. This is a major flaw, and one that needs to be fixed. Here's how I would have written the piece of text above:

''"I provoke you in duel for our people's leadership, Hyerlum!" Kharlia shouted.''

''The Warlord and his court erupted with laughter. This servant girl was really asking to battle the Great Hyerlum, Vanquisher of the Ice Wraith? It was hilarious. When Hyerlum stopped laughing, he asked, "Did you really think you could duel me? Females cannot become warriors."''

"It was only you who said that. None of our ancestors made rules about it."

''Hyerlum was stunned. This woman had knowledge, but knowledge alone didn't make a true leader.''

"So be it, woman. Prepare your sword. It is a duel to the death."

"As always," said Kharlia.

There are grammar issues like this all over the story, and there are no quotation marks at all. The only way I could distinguish dialogue from narration was the hyphen used before someone spoke.

Final Verdict: With a plot that has great potential, Symbiose was just a story that was written in the wrong place. If it had been a story that was several chapters long, I think it would have succeeded, but the twenty-five year-long plot fit into a chapter-long story really detracts from the reading experience. There are several grammar and spelling mistakes throughout the story, and the dialogue was formatted wrong. If Symbiose can ever have a shot at winning the Spring Writing Contest, at least the grammar, spelling, and formatting needs to be fixed.

Score: C

&mdash; Logan Woerner   (Blog) 15:18, March 7, 2014 (UTC)